Name: Kurt Barlow, aka Kurt Breichen, aka The Master. Species: Type 1 Vampire, Austrian Nobility.
We’re never told exactly what, but I can only imagine the ghastly, agonized sobs of some traumatized preschoolers rising up over London like a hellish fog in the aftermath.
A giant, mutated facial wart and the carnival gypsy fortune teller it’s attached to are building an army of disfigured zombies for reasons which remain unclear.
"Oh hey look! A shortcut through the spooky woods, let's go die there!"
King can be such a sadistic pig cock.
Name: Pyramid Head, Red Pyramid, Sankaku Atama Species: Demon
Seriously, if I have to see one more black eyed little girl grinning ghoulishly at the camera, I will lose my collective shit.
Never name your rural town after a demon. And if you do, don’t fucking open a Halloween haunted house attraction there. And if you go ahead and do both anyway, don’t have the nerve to look surprised when spooky shit …
Synopsis: A cautionary tale about what NOT to do when you find a metal armband and a Golden Snitch in the jungle.
Welcome to my brand-new column, in which I provide hardcore proof of my own mental illness currently manifesting as a sexual attraction to ugly monsters. You’re welcome in advance.