The H.A.G. Guide to Gettin’ Laid (Part 1)
by Jessica Locke
Whether you celebrate Valentine’s Day or Single’s Awareness Day, there is one thing that is likely on your mind this month: sex. I mean love. Ok, I mean sex.
“I don’t fool myself about love anymore. I mean, what is love? It all boils down to sex anyway.”
– Luigi Mackeroni, Killer Condom
Yep, this month is all about getting laid. Whether you are single and ready to mingle or find yourself searching for the perfect gift for your special someone, we have a few tips for you to help you seal the deal.
Always Leave them Wanting More
For people just looking to get their rocks off, one night stands are a great idea. Sometimes, though, you end up really liking the rando you decided to bone and need an excuse to see them again. This is why you should always leave them wanting more and give the person a reason to text you the next day. Ever see that episode of Seinfeld where George leaves his hat behind at a date’s house so that he has an excuse to come back and look for it, thus securing himself a second date? He had the right idea. Hats are pretty boring, though. Alternatively, I suggest that you leave behind your supernatural stalker for a real thrill. This will ensure that they will be blowing up your phone the following day. Questions? Watch It Follows (2014) to learn more.
A hat can be misplaced or even ignored. A supernatural stalker, however, is impossible to ignore!
It Follows tells the story of a young girl named Jay who gets it on with a guy named Hugh. After the deed is done, Hugh chloroforms her and takes her inside an abandoned plant to give her the kind of news that would make a gal wish she had contracted herpes: Through sex, he has passed on to her an evil entity that can take the shape of anyone and will stop at nothing to try and kill her.
At this point, I feel it my duty to point out that the character of Hugh is played by Jake Weary who plays Deran on the TNT show Animal Kingdom in which he is shirtless 98% of the time. Actually, the cast is mostly made up of shirtless hunky dudes so you should go check that out, like, now so it doesn’t get cancelled. It’s no masterpiece but it is fun to watch even on mute.
Where were we? Ah, yes… Jay spends the rest of the movie running away from shambling figures while her friend Paul, seeing this as an opportunity to finally exit the friend zone, tries to convince her to have sex with him so she can pass the entity on to him. How gracious of him. Jay refuses his offer and has sex with some other dude who then gets killed by the entity which causes the entity to once again pursue Jay.
When It Follows came out in 2014 there was quite a lot of hullabaloo surrounding the movie and for good reason. For such a simple premise, the movie is well done and sufficiently creepy. If you have not seen it yet, I highly recommend it. If you have seen it, it may be time for a rewatch.
Go for a Romantic Getaway
One night stands are great for single people but if you are in a committed relationship and you and your significant other are looking to reconnect, plan a romantic getaway to a remote cabin. If you need inspiration on what kinds of activities you can do as a couple which are sure to get your juices flowing, look no further than Lars von Trier’s Antichrist (2009).
Here is a list of some of the couples activities covered in the film:
- hot, steamy shower sex featuring slow motion ball-smacking penetration
- mutual masturbation involving blood
- tree sex featuring Willem Dafoe’s flexing buttocks and creepy disembodied hands
- a pretty gnarly scene depicting genital mutilation that will make you want to trade in your shears for safety scissors.
- hobbling with a grind stone to keep your loved one from getting too far!
Ok, you brought that upon yourself. At the mere mention of the name Lars von Trier, your threat ganglia should have immediately extended.
At its most basic element, Antichrist is about a couple, credited merely as He and She, who retreat to a cabin in the woods called Eden to heal after the death of their child. Like most of von Trier’s movies, Antichrist is hard to digest. The film opens with a haunting yet beautiful prologue and does not end until your mind, and Willem Dafoe, has been properly fucked. Just when you think you have it figured out, von Trier throws another metaphorical element at you making you question any meaning you had thought you had found. I love the challenge and I will say that, after multiple viewings, the film does get easier to swallow and an overall meaning does emerge but you do have to work for it. It is not for the prudish or the faint of heart. Short of Nymphomaniac, Antichrist offers up the most intriguing sex of all of von Trier’s films.
Always Use Protection
Whether you are getting down and dirty with some hot guy you swiped right on or giving it to your wife of many years, always use protection! Like supernatural stalkers, STDs are hard if not impossible to shake and no one wants a surprise lifetime commitment popping out 9 months later. If used properly, condoms are 98% effective at preventing pregnancy and are a huge help in preventing the spread of STDs. At around $2 a pop, condoms are also affordable and readily available. Protip: be mindful of where you purchase your condoms and make sure they are FDA approved unlike the brand used in Killer Condom (1996).
“The rubber that rubs you out.” You have got to love this tag line. Like most offerings from Troma, this horror comedy simultaneously tickles your funny bone and your gag reflex.
Killer Condom is a German film that takes place in New York City. It begins when a college professor takes a coed to the Hotel Quickie to give her an opportunity to earn a better grade by letting him get his freak on. Unluckily for him, the condom provided by the hotel ends up being carnivorous. It bites his penis off then scampers away leaving a trail of blood. Enter Detective Mackeroni. Mackeroni goes to the hotel to investigate and finds himself smitten by a male prostitute named Billy. He and Billy head up to the scene of the crime and attempt to have sex. As thing start heating up, the killer condom appears, seemingly excited at the prospect of its next meal. Billy, however, produces his own condom and the killer condom runs away upset. Mackeroni chases after it and the killer condom bites off one of his testicles. Thankfully it leaves his large member, 32 centimeters to be exact (12.59” for those of us that use the Imperial System), intact. What follows is quite ri-dick-ulous but quite entertaining and definitely worth a watch.
Killer Condom has become one of my favorite Troma flicks. How could I not love a film about a penis eating condom that has special effects by Jörg Buttgereit (Nekromantik, Der Todesking) and that had H. R. Geiger (Alien) as a creative consultant?
So … what have we learned today, kids?
Be wary of anyone too eager to have sex on the first date because they just might be trying to pass on an evil entity. If you have already bagged your mate, put in a little effort once in a while. A romantic getaway can be just want you need to spice things up. And always use protection!