Monster Smash #2: Pyramid Head
by Annie Riordan
Name: Pyramid Head, Red Pyramid, Sankaku Atama
Height: 7 feet, give or take
Weight: King Kong made out of cinderblocks.
Hair: None that we know of. Shit, he may not even have a head under that helmet.
Likes: Mannequins, mutated cockroaches and loose skin.
Dislikes: Curfew breakers.
Okay, let’s get one thing straight before we get started here: I don’t play video games. The last time I played a video game, it was 1985, and I was standing in a Pee Wee golf arcade, mainly trying to win at ZAXXON so I could fill up the winner’s list with dirty words: FUK, CUM, DIK, etc. I once watched an ex-boyfriend of mine play Silent Hill, but I have never played it myself. So, the Pyramid Head referred to in this article is the cinematic version as portrayed by choreographer Roberto Campanella in 2006’s Silent Hill, okay? Good. I’m glad we had this discussion.
Considering Pyramid Head was created by a nine year old girl, he’s quite an impressive ubermensch. Towering over 7 feet tall and clad only in a skimpy little leather apron, Mr. PH plods around the town of Silent Hill with his bare buttcheeks hanging out for everyone to see. His upper torso is a rippling mass of powerful muscle, bulging biceps and a six pack that only 47,000 ab crunches per day could possibly perfect. The aforementioned ass is tighter than a snare drum. One could easily imagine Ol’ Pyr part-timing it as a Christmas nutcracker, simply slipping walnuts in the valley of his gluteus maximus and flexing with very little force.
Of course, said walnuts would very likely be inedible as Pyr Baby has never bathed and travels with an entourage of shit beetles. Also, he really likes killing everyone and everything that comes within grabbing distance, and his gray, mottled flesh is permanently caked with gore. Also, god knows what the hell he looks like under that two ton metal cage on his head. Can you imagine if he ever took that helmet off and ended up having a face like Clint Howard? Total ice-water douche, right there.
But thankfully, he never does take it off. Strong and silent, virtually indestructible, and judging by his BMI probably possesses a schlong the size of a Redwood trunk. Just bring along a bottle of patchouli oil to be on the safe side.