The Best Horror Movies of 2018, and why I haven’t seen (almost) any of them yet.
by Annie Riordan
I totally want to see this remake of Dario Argento’s trippy, blood-marinated homage to Disney’s Snow White. The trailer alone is the best horror film of 2018. But I only have enough free time and money to see one movie a year on the big screen, and I opted for the The Predator this time around, because I’m a giant nerd.
#2 The Predator
Look, I spent several hours slaving over a hot iMac writing a full review for this movie, so go read it. I’m not recapping it for your lazy ass here.
#3 A Quiet Place
Somewhere, somebody mentioned that this had ties (however weak) to the Cloverfield franchise, and I still haven’t been able to wash the visual stink of The Cloverfield Paradox out of my retinas, no matter how much Zaditor I employ. I’m sure it’s a great movie, but I just haven’t gotten around to it yet. I need some alone time to heal.
I actually do want to see this one. I love Toni Collette and anything about demons, but the plot sounded so similar to the tiresome, repetitive sequels of the fucking Paranormal Activity flicks that I’m still circling the whole thing like a wary cat around a cucumber. Seriously, if I have to see one more black eyed little girl grinning ghoulishly at the camera, I will lose my collective shit.
Yeah, it was okay. Nice homage to the original. But frankly, at this point the entire series has become much too muddled. Am I supposed to ignore all of the sequels now? Is Part 2 still legit? Is H20 in the crapper, along with Laurie’s son? And hey, what about Laurie’s other daughter Jamie? And didn’t Laurie die in part, um, 36 or something? Were those fever dreams? In what order am I supposed to pretend they exist now? I’m so confused that I just don’t care anymore, really.
All of my friends are raving about this, but I just can’t look at Nick Cage anymore and take him seriously after watching him plod around The Wicker Man in a furry bear costume, screaming about bees.
#7 The Possession of Hannah Grace
For those of who are too lazy to watch The Autopsy of Jane Doe.
#8 The Nun
Because FUCK James Wan, that’s why.
#9 The Endless
Yes. Watch this one. But not before you watch Resolution. Actually, just clear a day on your calendar and watch them both, back to back. And then watch them again.
I don’t really have a number ten, but I couldn’t do a Top 9 now could I? It goes against all laws of nature and physics.